I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
