The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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