We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
