I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
