if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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