I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
