Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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