I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
