I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
