I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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