I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
