I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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