I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
