Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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