If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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