Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
