Swine flu. Run for my life!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
