My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
