We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
