I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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