I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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