Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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