It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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