false alarm. still invincible.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
