I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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