I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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