made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
3pm strippers are depressing
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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