Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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