How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
