I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
