i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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