Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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