Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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