You don't have asthma, your pregnant
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize
