At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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