if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
