Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
