last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
