I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
