i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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