highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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