Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
