i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
