You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
