Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
