Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
