Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
