just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
is wine microwaveable?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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