I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
