video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
