um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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