His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
