And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Don't make out with my wife yet
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
