pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
