whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
we made out on top of his cat.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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