Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
